Another Damn “Types of Drunks” Article Because There Aren’t Enough Already.

Google it. There are countless articles and pages and lists and infographs describing the different types of drunks there are, and they usually involve similar titles: happy, crying, angry, horny etc. However, each person’s experience surrounding drunks is, of course, a personal one, and I feel it is about time I add my own variations based on the people I go out with, and the people I encounter.

No, I will not divulge who is who.

Denial Drunk

No, Denial Drunk is not fucking drunk and fuck you if you think they are. Can’t you see them shaking their head and screaming at you that they’re completely sober? LOOK. They’re walking in “A Straight Line,” now, an act that, combined with them chanting “NOT DRUNK, NOT DRUNK,” just looks a lot like they’re doing a tribal dance. (Straight line my ass. You’re dancing in fucking circles.)

Angry/Confrontational Drunk

This drunk, upon intoxication, will suddenly recall every single moment they have been wronged their entire life, and feel the need to confront every single problem they have ever faced right at that very moment. Did you accidentally cause them to stub their toe on the right side of the bed frame three weeks ago? Well TOO BAD, are you going to get your comeuppance tonight! That little rough patch you had a few years ago which you thought was well over? Angry/Confrontational Drunk wants to dig it out of its grave and beat it ‘til it’s blue. No one is safe: friends, enemies, exes, that teacher who graded them badly on their grade 8 chemistry exam, or their Uncle James who dropped them on a head as a baby. You, and everyone else present at the time, shall feel the neverending wrath of Angry/Confrontational Drunk.

Weepy Drunk

Perhaps the more passive aggressive version of Angry/Confrontational Drunk, but with a brand new twist: instead of blaming everyone and everything for all the problems in the world, they chose to blame themselves. From global climate change, to the fact that Sarah’s boyfriend dumped her, Weepy Drunk will take on the burden of all the world’s problems onto their own shoulders, and then cry and complain about them for the rest of the night. When they eventually run out of things to blame themselves for, they will simply move onto crying over the most obscure things – such as the fact F.R.I.E.N.D.S ended, or the last jar on the shelf at a supermarket that must be feeling so lonely because no one wants to take it home.

Horny Drunk

Here is one that always makes the list: horny drunk. Horny Drunk can be anyone: the local manwhore with the shitty reputation, or your prude friend who blushes crimson whenever someone says the word ‘penis.’ Something about the lights and atmosphere and bubbly feeling and, well, all the other Horny Drunks bring out, (or emphasize, if Horny Drunk doubles as Horny Sober as well,) the inner slut. Put your beer goggles on, because standards are at an ALL TIME LOW, Tonight’s Special Only! … Or maybe not just tonight, because after all, this is always the friend who always winds up in the corner sucking face with that one person everyone has been trying to avoid all night.

Neverending Party Drunk

This is either one of two people: that person you see every, single time you’re out, but they never remember you because they apparently are never sober, or that friend you all make sure is out every time because they are a fucking rave. Or both simultaneously. This is the person who does not, despite all their experience, know their limits. (Or if they do, just do not give a shit about said limits.) Often the most entertaining, and most likely to be the one passed out in a corner by the time it hits 1AM. Newbies may then express concern, but all the bar/club veterans will simply pat them on the head and say, “Don’t worry, that’s just Neverending Party Drunk!”

Friendly Drunk

A step down from Neverending Party Drunk, Friendly Drunk is just out to have a good time; and for them, a good time is going around and increasing their social circle – at least, just for the night. Friendly Drunk will be the one to interrupt your deep conversation with Weepy Drunk to compliment you on your shoes, or will bound up and introduce themselves, ending their introduction with a slightly slurred, “You are soooooo cool. We tooooootally have to hang out sometime!” These are all, of course, unintentional falsities: Friendly Drunk will wake up in the morning with a shitstorm of new phone contacts and friend requests, and have absolutely no clue as to who any of them are.

Mother Drunk

Mother Drunk is the one with the maternal instinct that kicks in, creating a compulsive need to make sure everyone is alright. Usually however, Mother Drunk is probably just as drunk as the people they are trying to look after. Whilst their intentions are always good, the definition of ‘Look After,’ also depends on Mother Drunk’s own intoxication levels. They may throw you in a cab, shout your address and wave goodbye. They may follow – and who can blame them, because I do as well – the urban legend that bread and water after a night of drinking helps stop the hangover, and force feed you bread, making you chug water until you feel like your bladder is about to burst, getting increasingly hysterical every time you argue – “But there’s no ROOM in my STOMACH.” Depending on who, once everyone is safely home – perhaps accompanied by an influx of “HI ARS U GOME##” text messages – they may or may not simply pass out on the street themselves.

Bonus: Helpful Drunk

Similarly to Mother Drunk, Helpful Drunk – or perhaps, better known as Helpful Tipsy – is that friend who never gets quite as drunk as everyone else. You’ll spot them all around: consoling Weepy Drunk after she had a run in with Angry/Confrontational Drunk, holding back Neverending Party Drunk’s hair as they repeatedly spew quarts of cocktails, pulling Horny Drunk away from The Creeper Everyone Has Been Warned About, and doing bread and water runs for Mother Drunk. Whether it is just their altruistic nature, or something to do with the smaller amount of alcohol they’ve consumed, they often become the Blessed Angel of the night. If you have one of these around – provided that you aren’t Helpful Drunk,- it is no doubt that they are the reason why your drunk, incoherent ass managed to get itself home, changed, and in bed. Will be the most appreciated of friends the next morning.