You know you’re attempting to write too many thought-provoking (see: attempting) articles when you start using second person all the – oh shit.
I have come to realise that my blog has recently become less about me and more about my ramblings, which tend to focus on things other than me. Unfortunately for those who were thinking that this signified the end of my self-centeredness, I have decided that, for at least this article, I will try and make it more personal. I am aware that yes-it’s-my-blog-I-can-post-whatever-I-fucking-want-deal-with-it etcetera, etcetera, but when I read other people’s articles and ramblings and thoughts, I’m always more drawn to the ones based on personal experiences and with just a more personal approach.
This may be because of the usual mantra: the most special thing we have is that we are the only one like us blah blah blah therefore the best way to be distinctive is to write about personal stuff. This is, of course, not strictly true for all; there are many distinctive writers who have their own styles and can write based entirely on fiction. I believe that for me, a not-average-but-not-particularly-special teenage girl, my own experiences and personality add some – flourish – to my writing. This is almost an exercise in self-discovery, except I probably will make no new discoveries or suddenly answer a question about myself. I’m just writing for the sake of writing about myself. (Welcome back, self-centeredness!) If you, for some reason, wish to know all about a relatively boring teenage girl, read ahead. If not, do not and thank you and come again.
Rant aside, I shall now ruminate:
(1) For an individualist, I certainly do conform.
I have many thoughts on the paradox that is ‘mainstream-is-the-new-indie,’ but due to my lacking of the ability to condense written thoughts into a concise, engaging length, I shall save them for another article. (Real reason: a blown fuse resulting in the loss of the few paragraphs I’d typed up on this matter means I refuse to write about the matter again for at least a little while.)
I do have an interest in the media and particularly media influence; I’m hoping to work in the industry someday and generally like to make observations and debate the big issues and commonly discussed topics such as the power of the media etcetera. I’ve studied both media and psychology and whilst not a professional or somewhat on any level, I’d like to think I can appreciate the ideas of conformity and the human psych.
On top of that, I am, if you have not already gathered, quite opinionated. I am relatively vocal on voicing these opinions and like to think I’ve developed the ability to think for myself. I am not easily swayed by ‘peer-pressure’ in terms of what to think and do, (this may be down to my extreme stubbornness, however.)
I think about it this way: despite my small additions to my appearance in my attempts to distinguish myself, (linked to number (2) which discusses my superiority complex,) I still attempt to conform to the general standards of beauty. Why do I wear make up and exercise and brush my hair and attempt not to look like a total eyesore? Because if I really wanted to distinguish myself, surely I wouldn’t bother at all to fit in with the loose beauty standards I do kind of fit into. I could argue that I am doing all these things for myself, and for my own standards, but this brings up a new question: who has set my standards of beauty?
For someone who is so critical of the idea of conforming and not-thinking-for-onself, I have probably allowed myself to be brainwashed in my own way. I may scoff at the cookie-cutter girls on the streets wearing the exact same clothes mirrored in the shop fronts, but then I realise that I’m exactly the same but in my own way. I’m simply conforming to a different set of standards.
Perhaps there is no such thing as total non-conformity.
(2) My Superior Complex Vs. My Self Esteem
Anyone who has the displeasure of knowing me in real life may have, with reason, formed the opinion that I have an awful superiority complex. I have been told by several people, not limited to friends and parents, that I can come across as incredibly condescending; I tend to treat people like they’re stupid.
(This is an awful way to describe myself, but I wouldn’t be honest if I did not admit this and this is my fucking blog.)
It is most likely a combination of the following things: my impatience and my ability to process information quite quickly. These two things combined mean that someone repeating the same point again and again is my idea of a nightmare. You know that one person who is really, really slow at telling a story? They sort of start, mull around the details, think to themselves aloud, and continuously repeat points with the, “Yeah, so like I said, the door was red, and –”? Whilst the time drags slowly for all of us, it will literally drive me into saying, “yes, the door was red, we get it.”
On top of that, I have an awful habit of feeding people their sentences. I literally try to put words into people’s mouths because I am constantly under the impression that I know what they are going to say and oh my god they are saying it too slowly. Humans like to be able to predict behaviour: I perhaps take this to the extreme.
Despite all this, and whilst I may act like I’m smarter and better than everyone else and a fucking psychic to boot, this completely contradicts my lack of self-esteem.
Maybe it is all one circle: perhaps my superiority complex is a result of my critical nature, and the strongest recipient of my criticism is, of course, myself. Those who think I am unreasonably critical on other people should hear the shit I give myself. I know, everyone does it. We’re all unreasonably mean to ourselves. (Well, not all of us. But those who are the complete opposite aren’t entirely likable either. Perhaps a balance is needed. Noted.)
Being the dynamic creatures we are, humans do switch between moods and personalities even, I am aware. What baffles me, however, is that these two co-exist. How that even makes sense, I don’t know. It’s sort of a I’m-so-fucking-stupid-but-oh-my-god-everyone-here-is-so-dumb-I’m-smarter-than-them-all. And then I think I’m a bad person because I’m criticizing everyone else, (self-esteem,) and then I console myself by saying that everyone else is worse. (superiority.) Vicious circle.
(3) Confidently Shy
Could almost go hand in hand with number (2): public perceptions of me vs. how I actually am.
I have no fear of public speaking; never had and probably never will. It doesn’t matter if I have not prepared anything or that I am the worst improv-speaking on Earth. I have no problems with making a fool out of myself in front of 100, 1000, and although I haven’t done it, I probably wouldn’t mind 10,000 people either.
Every time that is brought up, everyone seems to say something along the lines of: ‘Wow! You were so confident up there!’ If this person is not a friend of mine, I will then partake in perhaps the strangest behaviour considering that I was just complimented on confidence: I will turn red and murmur something, or just smile awkwardly. Fuck this shit, I’m really shy!
No one believes that you’re shy if you’re loud. I am very loud. I also can talk a mile a minute and barely need to stop to breathe. We’ve all seen those people; they just radiate confidence, don’t they?
But no, I’m really awkward and shy and social situations just make me so nervous. From a young age, however, I’ve trained myself to act like I’m completely unfazed. Unfortunately, the amount of time I’ve spent pretending not be awkward has not made me any better at it and in certain situations, I am completely certain (this may be social paranoia or maybe my friends are just being nice when they assure me I did not make a complete ass out of myself,) that it’s very clear that I am very uncomfortable.
Then comes the fucking babbling. It’s like I’m drunk without being on alcohol – everything and anything will just come out my mouth because my dumbass brain, apparently so good at processing information, (see (2),) doesn’t seem to understand that ranting about mime sub-groups or the alternative uses of apples is not necessarily preferable to an awkward silence. Most people probably would prefer the awkward silence, because it probably would be less awkward than the one that befalls the group once I run out of things to say.
(4) Bitchy Feminist (But I’m Also Sweet)
To start this off: I would not consider myself a feminist. I have a massive independent streak that I would probably have regardless of gender, and if anyone asked, I would sum it up like this: I care less about you insulting my gender, and more about a personal insult to me. Yes, someone insulting my gender is insulting me, but putting a blanket over half the world’s population and making a statement about them does not affect me too much; in that group, there will be people who stand to said statement.
If you insult me personally based on my gender on the other hand, I will hit back.
Like I said; my independent streak means I like to do things for myself. I plan on getting a well-paid job and being able to support myself. I have not even entertained the notion of being a housewife for more than three seconds because it is that laughable. (Can be summed up by: I am an aggressive bitch who hates kids.) My authoritarian personality also means I can 100% see myself bossing around some poor souls quite happily in the future.
Stereotypical bad film/tv. show bitch female boss, right?
Therefore, perhaps the most surprising to some is that I can be pretty – girly – and even – sweet.
I’ve always been surprised that someone as aggressive as me gets called cute as many times as I do. (This is not a boast, but simply pointing out, I swear.) And I can somewhat back up this statement, because if I rack my memory, I can definitely find times where I’ve been really sweet. They are dispersed quite evenly amongst the times where I’ve been bitchy.
It’s not even a case of me being bitchy to some and nice to others, because everyone does that. I apparently and fairly provide all my peers with an equal dose of bitchiness and sweetness. (This bitchiness is not exactly to them, but it’s my more aggressive, ‘hard’ side, I suppose.)
This bitchy side also works hard to keep a very tough mental state: I do not need anyone. (See: independent streak.) My friends are acquaintances and boys are all dumb and my family just hold me back.
And then in conjunction to that, is the bit of me that stays up ‘til ridiculous hours giggling with my friends, and I printscreen funny conversations and read back on them later and laugh. Compliments from cute boys make me blush and they’re not MEANT to because FUCK BLUSHING, BLUSHING IS FOR SILLY GIRLY GIRLS AND NEXT THING I’LL BE SWOONING OR – but I do, and for god’s sake now I’m giggling like a stupid schoolgirl.
I think the length of this article really stands a testament to how little I understand myself; and obviously I wouldn’t know because I am me, but when writing something like this, just discussing your different, contrasting personality traits, you really realise how dynamic people are. Maybe I’m just an unpredictable mess, or maybe everyone else is just way better at controlling the parts of themselves they present, (believe me, if awkward-shy-babbler-laura never came out again, I would be very happy.)
I will end with this: fuck it, another contradiction. For someone who hates revealing anything to people, I sure can talk about myself a whole fucking lot.