10.01am: Wander in late during Bella’s
monologue. Rosy groans “Why are we watching this”
10.04am: NICE WEAVE, JACOB
10.06am: Bella cruelly beats up some
kid with a ball, Kristen Stewart attempts showing remorse
10.07am: Jack’s “oh my god!” as Anna
Kendrick comes on screen
10.08am: dramatic music starts. Something
big is clearly happening
10.08am: Bunch of lookalike models all
dramatically walk in, in slo-mo
10.09am: Footface enters the building
10.10am: they all stare creepily at
Bella
10.10am: If Edward was looking at me
like that I’d cry that’s terrifying
10.10am: a fucking fan is blowing her
hair
10.10am: Edward pulls the world’s
biggest derp face, puts hand over mouth as if he is going to be VIOLENTLY ILL
ALL OVER BELLA
10.11am: Bella checks to see if she
smells
10.11am: Montage of the teacher
teaching and Edward looking in a mix of looking like he’s about to vomit and/or
jizz himself.
10.11am: Edward is really being very
rude and Kristen Stewart is trying to portray Bella trying hard not to cry but
doing a very poor job (as usual)
10.14am: Emmett standing up in the car
like some kind of hood rat
10.15am: the one “proof” that Bella is
clumsy as she falls over. Kristen Stewart has absolutely no facial change.
10.17am: Edward makes least charming,
most awkward introduction ever.
10.18am: Bella doesn’t like ‘cold wet
things’
10.19am: So many close-ups of Edward’s
face I am beginning to feel super uncomfortable.
10.19am: Rosy: ‘She thinks he’s sexy’
10.21am: Edward foils a car’s attempt
to assassinate Bella. Kristen Stewart still portrays absolutely no emotion.
10.22am – 10.25am : Bella and Edward
have some kind of awkward debate over his heroic antics. They have absolutely
no chemistry.
10.25am: Edward is watching Bella
while she sleeps THAT IS NOT NORMAL IN ANY UNIVERSE YOU JUST DON’T DO THAT.
10.26am: Mike is quite adorable she
should just date him so we don’t have to deal with sulkypants sulking in the
background and all the drama he brings.
10.28am: Edward sassily scolds Bella
like the incompetent child she is. ‘Why don’t you at least look where you
walk?!’
10.31am: Edward dropping hints like
bombs, tries to sound dark and mysterious. Comes across as a twat.
10.32am: Bella, world’s biggest
hypocrite, talks about ‘strong, independent women.’ The world collectively
groans.
10.33am: Outburst of laughter from Sophie
during ‘The cullens don’t come here.’
10.35am: Here come the shitty slowmo
special effects showing their ‘powers’
10.38am: Special snowflake not into
dresses and girly things.
10.39am: Attempted gangrape of Bella.
Kristen Stewart doesn’t quite manage to convey fear.
10.39am: The attempted rapists can
feel Edward’s BLOODLUST. They back off promptly and he engages in reckless
driving.
10.41am: Edward’s ‘charming voice’
sounds like mashed potatoes.
10.43am: “But you…nothing.” Rosy:
“Because she doesn’t have anything.”
10.50am: Camera attempts to make us
dizzy as Bella reaches the staggering and unexpected realization that Edward is
INDEED A VAMPIRE.
10.51am: Laughter as Edward yanks
bella onto his back and does some kind of slobbish sprint.
10.52am: Edward walks into the
sunlight, glitters like a discoball. Jack: “He’s fabulous” Rosy: “He looks
really wet.”
10.53am: Edward runs around the forest
and breaks shit, whines about being a predator.
10.54am: “I’ve never wanted a human’s
blood so much in my life.” “I trust you.” Vom. Bella you fucking idiot.
10.56am: Romantically lying on the
grass, staring at each other as camera spins round and round.
10.58am: Bella’s description of Edward
just makes him sound like a giant mosquito.
10.59am: Sepia flashback sequence
where Carlisle passionately gives Edward a hickey.
11.02am: (Tweet from Jack) ‘I think
Kirsten Stewart is a great actor. She taps into emotions I didn't even know
existed.’
11.06am: Jack and Sophie both cough.
Jack: “COUGH BUDDIES!”
11.07am: Bella: “No bed?” Edward: “No,
I don’t sleep.” Rosy: “That’s not what she was thinking.”
11.08am: Edward listens to Debussey.
He is clearly so cultured.
11.09am: Sophie splutters in an
attempt to hold in a laugh at Bella’s ‘I can’t dance.’
11.09am: Jack erupts into laughter as
Edward grips Bella on his back and runs around the forest like a loony.
11.11am: Bella lies on the sofa. PAINT
ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS, EDWARD.
11.12am: Stephenie’s moment of
stardom, she grins to herself as she drinks her coffee.
11.15am: Whole room groans at “I like
watching you sleep.” Jack: “yuck!”
11.16am: Bella gets too frisky. Edward
is ‘stronger than he thought.’
11.19am: Forgot about this awful
baseball scene
11.20am: FAMILY FUN TIME
11.21am: James and his models strut
in.
11.24am: James wants to eat Bella and
the two teams of vampires stand and hiss menacingly at each other.
11.29am: Cullens GEAR UP FOR WAR.
11.32am: Montage sequence – James
sniffs things, gets angry, Alice has a vision and draws things.
11.35am: Bella goes off and her own
and fails miserably at basically everything from now on.
11.37am: James starts to direct his
snuff film.
11.39am: Bella starts to get crazy
vampire spasms – Kristen Stewart flails around like a fish and pulls awkward
faces.
11.39am: The rest of the gang arrive
and Alice rips james’ head off whilst Edward just cries and almost kills Bella
BECAUSE SHE JUST TASTES SO DAMN GOOD APPARENTLY.
11.42am: Shockingly edited montage
depicting their ‘relationship’ and what she means to him.
11.48am: Jacob and Edward have an
awkward, hostile confrontation. Me and Rosy both hiss.
11.55am: Mike’s extreme disapproval at
radiohead being used as the credits start to roll. We all all severely relieved.
